Midnight Sunshine
by skysedge
Summary: Yamatonokami was proving himself to be a good impromptu nurse. Unfortunately, Kashuu was a terrible patient. [Fluffy if you squint]


"But I don't need to be-"

"Stop whining already and relax."

Although Yamatonokami's words were gentle, his hands were firm as he wrangled Kashuu under the blankets of his futon and set about tucking him in so tightly that he couldn't move.

Kashuu had fallen prey to a particularly nasty cold while out on expedition and was taking it less than gracefully. He hated everything about being sick, from the way it made him feel to the way his eyes were watery and he had to keep reaching for tissues for his nose. Despite having a cough and a sore throat he hadn't stopped complaining for hours.

Yamatonokami was proving himself to be a good impromptu nurse. Unfortunately, Kashuu was a terrible patient.

"I don't want to cause a fuss," he was arguing, doing his best to worm his way back out of the nest being created around him.

"There won't be one if you just stay still," Yamatonokami said patiently, still smiling despite having to rearrange the blankets again. "Now, what else was there? We got you soup, found the extra blankets and-"

Here he paused to lean heavily on one of Kashuu's shoulders, pinning him in place.

"-you're going to relax now. What else do you do when someone's sick?"

"You obey their every whim," Kashuu grumbled, pushing weakly at Yamatonokami. "So if you could just...stop I would..."

There was no use for it. He gave in to a bout of coughing, falling back weakly against the futon when he was done. Yamatonokami rubbed his arm soothingly until he was done. God, it was so _embarrassing_ being seen like this. Kashuu pulled up the blankets he had bee fighting against until they covered everything but his eyes.

"I'm gross," he complained. "Stop looking."

"All right," his friend conceded, getting to his feet with his hands raised in defeat. "But if you're out of bed when I get back I'm going to be really disappointed, okay?"

Kashuu made a non-committal noise of agreement and looked away on principle as Yamatonokami gave him a little wave and headed out, sliding the door of their room closed behind him once he was gone.

Alone, Kashuu sighed, hoping to get some of his dignity back in front of himself. He started coughing instead. Wonderful. Being sick was disgusting. Just how was he going to redeem himself after this?

He should have been relieved that no one was fussing over him anymore. For a while, he tried to force himself to feel it. Instead, he gradually stopped feeling irritated and just felt sorry for himself instead.

Honestly. How pathetic. He was such a bother and he knew it. Always left behind because of weakness. That a stupid _cold_ could lay him low like this. It sickened him.

The soup had been nice, though. He tried to think about that as he closed his eyes, his fever making it hard to concentrate. Yamatonokami had been good at looking after him but it must have been tiring. He shouldn't have made such a fuss. But he didn't want help, he didn't want to be weak and gross and ugly.

If only he didn't need looking after.

If only he was stronger.

If only he hadn't been left behind.

Coherent thoughts faded into a deafening chorus of _if onlys_ and sleep claimed him in a cold grip.

~x~

Kashuu awoke in a cold sweat.

It wasn't the first time. Before, when he had slept in this room alone, it had happened often. Dreams, nightmares he supposed, of _that_ night yes but most often of simply being alone, of being cold and frightened.

He was cold now. The temperature had dropped while he had been sleeping and he wondered if his fever had broken as well. He felt a little better, less delirious, which only meant that his thoughts were loud and clear.

"Yasusada?"

Silence. He was still alone, no one waiting outside, and darkness had fallen. He pulled the blankets he had protested against closer around him, finding he had thrashed them about in his sleep. Tucking his face under then completely made it hard to breathe but it blocked out the void of the empty room, meant he could pretend he wasn't feeling so small.

Guilt was a terrible thing. Not only did it hurt but it embarrassed him too and he wound the sheets around his fists as he tried to push it back. Why had he gone and made such a fuss? It was his own fault he was feeling like this. If he had taken the care gracefully, maybe they could have sat together and talked while the fever passed. But no, he had gone and lashed out, pushed kindness away.

 _I thought I wanted to be loved?_

The thought was cold, too clear. He curled in on himself and longed for his room-mate to return, losing himself in dangerous reflection.

Even on nights like this, everything about Yamatonokami was warm.

It wasn't just his smile, although that could light up even the darkest room. It wasn't his easy laugh or even the kind way he spoke to everyone no matter what they approached him with. No, Kashuu was sure that Yamatonokami's warmth cane from the same place as his strength, somewhere deep inside.

It was as if his heart held a small but radiant sun. Even on the gloomiest of days it shone out from within him and made it feel like a warm afternoon. It was palpable, evident even in the warm softness of his hands when he reached for Kashuu's to pull him into something else troublesome.

Everything about Yamatonokami seemed to be born from that sun in his heart. At rest it was gentle and giving but in batt;e it was a scorching heat, a pure fire streaming from a molten core, invigorating his every movement and every word.

At least, that was how Kashuu saw him. He was often left breathless watching his companion fight and then wordless when he was offered that same gentle smile as soon as victory was earned. Like the sun he could warm the sky and bring life to the world or he could burn the trees to ashes and take that life away. It was frightening, fascinating.

Yes, his gentle and charming friend was a force of nature to be reckoned with. Kashuu wouldn't change it for the world.

He didn't deserve the care of someone like Yamatonokami. He didn't deserve any form of love from someone so pure.

Wrapped in blankets, feeling utterly useless and coughing into a cupped hand, the familiar thoughts came surging back in. He tried to raise his voice, to reprimand himself for being such a fool but this only made it worse. Choking, eyes watering, hw dove even further beneath the blankets, body racked with tremors.

At some point he had started crying. Even as the coughing subsided he found the tears wouldn't stop. If anything was more disgusting than being sick it was this. Hating this situation, hating everything about the way he was, he tried to force a coughing fit to end the mortifying tears that had taken their place.

"Kiyomitsu?"

He froze, hands pressed to his mouth. The door must have been opened while he was coughing and he could picture it, Yamatonokami standing in the doorway, all kind confusion. No, he couldn't have that. Not someone like him.

"Mm."

He rolled away from the door, facing the wall, and kept himself hidden. Maybe if he pretended to be asleep he would be left alone again.

 _I don't want to be alone._

 _I don't want to be seen like this._

Round and round, his head aching, his chest tight. Regardless of what he wanted to do words were impossible to find, not unless he wanted to sob as well. His throat burned with withheld emotion and he was shaking with the cold or rage or what, he didn't know.

He couldn't hear much from under the pile of blankets, Yamatonokami had chosen only the thickest after all, but nothing seemed to happen for a while. He tried to regulate his breathing and had been making some headway when the blankets around him were moved and his eyes slammed open in panic.

"It's all right."

A weight sank to the futon behind him and unexpectedly, blissfully warm arms wrapped around him.

"You were cold, weren't you, Kiyomitsu?" Yamatonokami said softly, close to his ear. "Is this okay? I don't think we have any more blankets so-"

"Wait!" Kashuu managed, voice hoarse and more unstable than he'd like. "What if you catch it too? Don't-"

"Stop worrying about things like that."

A gentle admonishment. That was all it took. The words died on his lips and he stopped fighting against it. The room was dark and the air was cold but underneath the blankets, pressed closely against the soft warmth that Yamatonokami took everywhere with him, Kashuu's thoughts began to still.

He didn't deserve this kindness. That hadn't changed. God, how he wanted it anyway. A head resting on his shoulder, legs tucking up against his own, gentle reassurances whenever he had to cough.

"Yasusada?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

Saying this was embarrassing enough but then a hand raised to his face and wiped the last few tears from his cheeks. He squeezes his eyes closed, ready to face awkward questions that he had no answer for. Instead, Yamatonokami lowered his arm again and gave him a small squeeze.

"Are you still cold?"

Sometimes, his kindness was too warm. Kashuu wondered if being burned away would hurt more than freezing on his own and if he would ever be brave enough to find out.

"Not anymore."

"Good night, then."

"Yeah. Good night."

The night was dark but warm as a summer afternoon. Sleep came softer, this time, ushered in by the soft sound of breathing in his ear.


End file.
